His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
