I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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