My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
