If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
