If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
