I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
