That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
