apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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