I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize