This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
