Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
