I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
