just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
