I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize