I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
