So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
