I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize