The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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