so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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