There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
worst night to have a conscience
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
