So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
