I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
