Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
