I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
