is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
