if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
