dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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