you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
