so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
