just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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