I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize