Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
