My nipple is on Facebook.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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