Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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