at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Please don't give away my fajitas
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
