oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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