dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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