my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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