god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
