Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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