You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
