The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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