Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
