38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
