Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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