Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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