You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I touched a dick in church today
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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