His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize