I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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