There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
