I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
