i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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