I think my fart just growled at me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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