airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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