I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
