I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Duck Duck Cougar?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
