I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize