I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
