so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
