I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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