If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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