My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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