he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
