Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
