i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
