Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize